Day 129

It has been 76 days since my last post.

I'm still at the same job as before and it is still better than where I was, but I'm still counting down until we can move to Tucson. We've actually decided that we're going to move earlier than before. We will leave St. Louis in May after my oldest son and husband are done with school. My son will be done with school during the third week of May so that gives us 15 weeks, or 105 days.

I feel like I should be more nervous about this, but I'm really not. I'm so ready to start something new at somewhere new. I remember when my husband and I moved to Chicago. We got rid of anything that didn't fit in our car and just went. Of course, this was pre-babies. Still, even if this move to Tucson is a bit more planned, it still has a sense of spontaneity to it that makes it exciting.

Plus, we just never felt like we were home in St. Louis. When we lived in Chicago, we felt like we took ownership of that city. We walked through it everyday, we rented a tiny brownstone in the Ukrainian village, we rode the CTA, we both worked downtown. We loved that city, even in the blistering cold and through our usual financial struggles.

In St. Louis...we've never felt that love. In the four years we've been here, we've only resented our inability to find decent jobs, the poor condition of the public schools, the seriously terrible traffic and the rampant racial and economic disparity. I know, I know--Chicago has these problems, too. I realize how silly I sounded there. I think perhaps our perceptions have changed, or at least the things we notice have changed. We notice more than ourselves now.

So how will Tucson be any better? Any city in America is bound to have these problems, I know. Again, I think it lies in our perceptions.

We know that Tucson will have its problems, and we know that our lives are never going to be rid of problems. We know that we simply have to work through the problems, even when we keep getting hit with more. Being in St. Louis, we've learned how stressful it is to find work in highly competitive (creative) markets and conversely, how stressful it is to be a job that sucks every bit of life and optimism out of you. We've learned that our son has special behavioral needs and that most daycares won't/can't take the time to work with needs like his. We've learned that being poor can be miserable and that being dependent on family and the government makes you feel like you've failed, despite having two master's degrees or working toward a degree. In St. Louis, I've been in the mindset that life can hit you with all it's got whenever it pleases. But you know what I've also learned? That life doesn't necessarily hit you.

When we were at our poorest, busiest and most regretful, our youngest son was born here, bringing with him a light that still always brightens up our darkness. Our oldest son's behavioral issues have gotten better, and with the help of some amazing teachers, he has made so much progress. I studied Mass Communications, an academic field I fell in love with. I know for sure now that one day, I want to get my PhD in this field and write, teach and learn about media theory and cultural criticism. My husband discovered his love for film-making and script-writing because for all the crappy movies he worked on, there were a couple really good ones with which he is proud to be associated.

I admit, even with the good things that have happened, St. Louis will not be an overall happy piece of my memory, but it will be a vital piece because without it, I'm not sure if I would have learned these things I needed to learn.

So again, why Tucson?

The simple answer to this is because we can.

We have been blessed with an opportunity, and my husband and I are taking it. No, we haven't won the lottery or suddenly become rich. My in-laws presented the idea of us moving to their city, not only to try to find better jobs, better school districts and more family support, but to take the things we've learned and apply them in a different place. The opportunity we've been blessed with is not so much the physical ability to move (although that is indeed a blessing too!) and suddenly find everything coming up roses (or cacti). The opportunity we've been blessed with is the chance to widen our perceptions, to add a new chapter to our lives that wouldn't be possible if we weren't open to change.

We could stay in St. Louis, and given what we have been through and what we have learned, I'm sure that with time, we could make a good life for ourselves in this area, building on what we've started. But we can also move to Tucson and create something new. We can do this, and so we will.

Day 205

So I have a few updates.

One month ago today (the day after my last post), I quit my miserable job that inspired me to start this blog to give myself hope in a bleak situation. I sent an email to my boss that simply said, "I quit," and moved on.

I had another job lined up. It would be a much more poignant story if I didn't...but I did.

I'm working somewhere else doing something that's actually worthwhile and working with people I trust and respect. So there's a sigh of relief there.

Of course, we'll still planning to move to Tucson but probably just a month or so later than originally planned since I don't mind staying and making a little more money to help support us in the move. I'm not changing the name of the blog, though. The number 252 has just stuck. I'll just have to go into negative numbers when I get past 0 days.

Another update: I have not finished my thesis. I'm almost there, though. I certainly won't graduate by December, but I will definitely graduate in May 2014. I'm sure my thesis committee is very disappointed.

I have to say I'm a little disappointed as well, but that's just me being hard on myself. I analyzed three out of the six shows I'm supposed to so far, so I only have three more to go and then a conclusion. I can't stop thinking about it, though, and I continually beat myself up over it. When I sit down to read for leisure, I think, "What are you doing? You have a thesis to write." When I watch TV after my boys go to bed, I think, "Why are you so damn lazy?" When I choose to bake or waste time on Pinterest instead of writing, I think, "Wow, you're really determined to not graduate, aren't you?"

I don't think this is healthy. Yes, my thesis is important and graduating with my master's degree is something that I must do. But living my life is also something I just have to do. My new job takes more of my time and energy than my last one and with film projects, all-weekend work schedules and finals approaching, my husband is super busy. My family needs me right now as a mom and wife, not as a student.

Is it bad to think that "mom," "wife" and "student" really don't go together? I know that a woman can be whomever she wants, and I believe that she should be encouraged to do this, but maybe I just don't want to be the woman who wants/tries to have it all. I really don't want it all.

I want my kids to remember me as mom, not as psycho deadline-driven lady who was glued to her laptop. I want my husband to feel like I'm noticing him, his work and his well-being and not just my goals and my research.

And dang it, I want to read for leisure and not feel guilty! Every time I pick up War and Peace or a Jane Austen novel I haven't read, guilt just gnaws away at me because I feel like I should be focused on my research and not an entertaining novel.

I never thought thesis work would be so emotionally trying. Since I started undergrad, I've been determined to excel and expand my mind, even if that means making sacrifices. I've met so many wonderful professors who are so good at what they do and so passionate about their fields. I've wanted to be like them and accomplish what they have accomplished and have people think that I, too, have a great mind.

But I'm starting to wonder if this is what I want anymore. Sure, I love my research and I enjoy writing so much. To do this as a career would be ideal. But what's even more ideal is to dedicate my free time to my children, who will not be 4 and 2 years old for much longer, and to my husband, who needs someone who will simply be there mind and body, no matter what. And it would also be ideal to dedicate some free time to myself and my own growth as a social, contemplative and faith-driven as well as intellectual being.

I know have to get my thesis done, but I think I have to do it at my pace not just for my family but just for my sanity.

Day 237

I spoke with my thesis chair yesterday, and he has inspired me to graduate by December.

I thought before that I would take my time and give myself a May deadline. I figured it would just need to be done before we move and I can't do it now because my laptop screen is broken, I'm too tired, I'm too stressed, my head is not in it, blah, blah, blah.

Screw that. No more excuses. Find a way. Get the thing done.

Day 239

So I remember that I promised that I would post recipes. To celebrate feeling better, I tried a healthier version of one of my favorites: pasta and meatballs made with ground turkey and sweet peppers.

I found the recipe on Pinterest and was determined to try it, although I honestly only cook about .5% of the recipes I pin. But I was resolute to do this one, mostly for my tastebuds but also for personal reasons.

I've been on a weight loss plan since March, and so far, I've lost 38 pounds. I'm not on any special diet plan (no paleo or Atkins here), but I am keeping close track of my calories and exercising more. So pasta and meatballs is usually something I reserve for a splurge day or on a day that I know I'll be really active. So there's that reason.

The other reason is my husband. He is a master at making meatballs. He's been perfecting the art since we lived in Chicago, where all we could afford to eat was pasta and hamburger. Through the years, he's added and taken away ingredients and the end product is a great meatball that he's very proud of.

Since I've been losing weight, I have not allowed him to make meatballs very much, and I know he misses making them. He's also been gone most weekends lately, either working both of his two night jobs or working on films, so even if I said it was okay, he wouldn't have a lot of time.

Pasta and meatballs is my comfort food, not just because it's stick-to-your-ribs good, but because it reminds me that when you pair two really great things together they become even better. Have them apart, and you only want the other thing with it. And pasta and meatballs pretty much sums up these past weekends without my husband.

He's away now and hasn't come home yet tonight (it's 8:45 pm, despite what my posting time says). The boys are in bed, and the pasta's already in the fridge. I'm hoping he'll have a bowl before going to bed and find some comfort after a long day. I'm also hoping he can't tell that it's light.

The link to the recipe is below. It's from food blog pinch of yum, which has tons more recipes I'm hoping to try.

Before you try it, here's my two cents on what I did differently. Instead of minced mini red peppers in the ground turkey, I put in pureed mini orange and yellow peppers. I don't have a food processor, only a knock-off magic bullet, and that thing only purees. I also did not have whole wheat Italian breadcrumbs and used regular Italian breadcrumbs. Additionally, I added about 1/2 tsp. of onion powder with the meat mixture for just a little onion flavor to go with the peppers. I still thought the meatballs tasted great. I also used rigatoni instead of spaghetti. I've always liked pasta but I've never been a fan of spaghetti. Too messy. Too much work.

Here's the recipe: pinchofyum.com/skinny-spaghetti-and-meatballs

And here's my (amateur) food photography. Notice how messy...erm, rustic...it looks. Happy eating.

Day 243

Being wrong is humbling.

I get in these moods where I think I'm not at fault. I think, "I can't be at fault. Look at everything that has happened to me. How could someone who just keeps having everything go wrong (through no fault of her own) actually be wrong?" Writing that out just reminds me how absolutely absurd that way of thinking is.

Stubbornness is really the worst. When I'm stubborn, I don't learn anything, I don't listen, I shut everything out that doesn't have to do with me and my pity party. It's time to start knowing the facts before I make up my mind.

I was wrong. Although this won't be the last time I'll ever be wrong, I hope it's the last about these particular things and that my apology will be made apparent.

Day 248

I read a very interesting line in my devotional reading today that has made me quite contemplative: "How do you want to face death? Start facing life that way now."

My answer: with quiet courage.

Day 250

I have had a moment of sheer happiness, and I am so thankful for it.

While I know that I should be doing whatever is that I actually do at work, I have been working on my master's thesis instead. I've been writing, thinking, analyzing, editing, listening to Bach. It's wonderful.

I haven't been in classes since May, and I didn't realize how much I miss it until now. While I have not found a career in which I have absolutely thrived, I have always thrived as a student. Being a student, a learner, is what I truly enjoy.

I have allowed so much busyness to take over my life that I have not made time to actively learn in these past few months. I've put away the thesis (procrastinating like usual), haven't written much and stopped making time to read at night. Perhaps this has contributed to life being so difficult?

I think it's been easy to put these things aside because I feel that I having more pressing things to accomplish, like spending hours on Facebook or Pinterest to "relax." Why do I always forget that writing, thinking, learning does relax me?

Well, back to the happiness. Back to writing. That is, when my boss isn't looming over me...