It has been 76 days since my last post.
I'm still at the same job as before and it is still better than where I was, but I'm still counting down until we can move to Tucson. We've actually decided that we're going to move earlier than before. We will leave St. Louis in May after my oldest son and husband are done with school. My son will be done with school during the third week of May so that gives us 15 weeks, or 105 days.
I feel like I should be more nervous about this, but I'm really not. I'm so ready to start something new at somewhere new. I remember when my husband and I moved to Chicago. We got rid of anything that didn't fit in our car and just went. Of course, this was pre-babies. Still, even if this move to Tucson is a bit more planned, it still has a sense of spontaneity to it that makes it exciting.
Plus, we just never felt like we were home in St. Louis. When we lived in Chicago, we felt like we took ownership of that city. We walked through it everyday, we rented a tiny brownstone in the Ukrainian village, we rode the CTA, we both worked downtown. We loved that city, even in the blistering cold and through our usual financial struggles.
In St. Louis...we've never felt that love. In the four years we've been here, we've only resented our inability to find decent jobs, the poor condition of the public schools, the seriously terrible traffic and the rampant racial and economic disparity. I know, I know--Chicago has these problems, too. I realize how silly I sounded there. I think perhaps our perceptions have changed, or at least the things we notice have changed. We notice more than ourselves now.
So how will Tucson be any better? Any city in America is bound to have these problems, I know. Again, I think it lies in our perceptions.
We know that Tucson will have its problems, and we know that our lives are never going to be rid of problems. We know that we simply have to work through the problems, even when we keep getting hit with more. Being in St. Louis, we've learned how stressful it is to find work in highly competitive (creative) markets and conversely, how stressful it is to be a job that sucks every bit of life and optimism out of you. We've learned that our son has special behavioral needs and that most daycares won't/can't take the time to work with needs like his. We've learned that being poor can be miserable and that being dependent on family and the government makes you feel like you've failed, despite having two master's degrees or working toward a degree. In St. Louis, I've been in the mindset that life can hit you with all it's got whenever it pleases. But you know what I've also learned? That life doesn't necessarily hit you.
When we were at our poorest, busiest and most regretful, our youngest son was born here, bringing with him a light that still always brightens up our darkness. Our oldest son's behavioral issues have gotten better, and with the help of some amazing teachers, he has made so much progress. I studied Mass Communications, an academic field I fell in love with. I know for sure now that one day, I want to get my PhD in this field and write, teach and learn about media theory and cultural criticism. My husband discovered his love for film-making and script-writing because for all the crappy movies he worked on, there were a couple really good ones with which he is proud to be associated.
I admit, even with the good things that have happened, St. Louis will not be an overall happy piece of my memory, but it will be a vital piece because without it, I'm not sure if I would have learned these things I needed to learn.
So again, why Tucson?
The simple answer to this is because we can.
We have been blessed with an opportunity, and my husband and I are taking it. No, we haven't won the lottery or suddenly become rich. My in-laws presented the idea of us moving to their city, not only to try to find better jobs, better school districts and more family support, but to take the things we've learned and apply them in a different place. The opportunity we've been blessed with is not so much the physical ability to move (although that is indeed a blessing too!) and suddenly find everything coming up roses (or cacti). The opportunity we've been blessed with is the chance to widen our perceptions, to add a new chapter to our lives that wouldn't be possible if we weren't open to change.
We could stay in St. Louis, and given what we have been through and what we have learned, I'm sure that with time, we could make a good life for ourselves in this area, building on what we've started. But we can also move to Tucson and create something new. We can do this, and so we will.
