So I have a few updates.
One month ago today (the day after my last post), I quit my miserable job that inspired me to start this blog to give myself hope in a bleak situation. I sent an email to my boss that simply said, "I quit," and moved on.
I had another job lined up. It would be a much more poignant story if I didn't...but I did.
I'm working somewhere else doing something that's actually worthwhile and working with people I trust and respect. So there's a sigh of relief there.
Of course, we'll still planning to move to Tucson but probably just a month or so later than originally planned since I don't mind staying and making a little more money to help support us in the move. I'm not changing the name of the blog, though. The number 252 has just stuck. I'll just have to go into negative numbers when I get past 0 days.
Another update: I have not finished my thesis. I'm almost there, though. I certainly won't graduate by December, but I will definitely graduate in May 2014. I'm sure my thesis committee is very disappointed.
I have to say I'm a little disappointed as well, but that's just me being hard on myself. I analyzed three out of the six shows I'm supposed to so far, so I only have three more to go and then a conclusion. I can't stop thinking about it, though, and I continually beat myself up over it. When I sit down to read for leisure, I think, "What are you doing? You have a thesis to write." When I watch TV after my boys go to bed, I think, "Why are you so damn lazy?" When I choose to bake or waste time on Pinterest instead of writing, I think, "Wow, you're really determined to not graduate, aren't you?"
I don't think this is healthy. Yes, my thesis is important and graduating with my master's degree is something that I must do. But living my life is also something I just have to do. My new job takes more of my time and energy than my last one and with film projects, all-weekend work schedules and finals approaching, my husband is super busy. My family needs me right now as a mom and wife, not as a student.
Is it bad to think that "mom," "wife" and "student" really don't go together? I know that a woman can be whomever she wants, and I believe that she should be encouraged to do this, but maybe I just don't want to be the woman who wants/tries to have it all. I really don't want it all.
I want my kids to remember me as mom, not as psycho deadline-driven lady who was glued to her laptop. I want my husband to feel like I'm noticing him, his work and his well-being and not just my goals and my research.
And dang it, I want to read for leisure and not feel guilty! Every time I pick up War and Peace or a Jane Austen novel I haven't read, guilt just gnaws away at me because I feel like I should be focused on my research and not an entertaining novel.
I never thought thesis work would be so emotionally trying. Since I started undergrad, I've been determined to excel and expand my mind, even if that means making sacrifices. I've met so many wonderful professors who are so good at what they do and so passionate about their fields. I've wanted to be like them and accomplish what they have accomplished and have people think that I, too, have a great mind.
But I'm starting to wonder if this is what I want anymore. Sure, I love my research and I enjoy writing so much. To do this as a career would be ideal. But what's even more ideal is to dedicate my free time to my children, who will not be 4 and 2 years old for much longer, and to my husband, who needs someone who will simply be there mind and body, no matter what. And it would also be ideal to dedicate some free time to myself and my own growth as a social, contemplative and faith-driven as well as intellectual being.
I know have to get my thesis done, but I think I have to do it at my pace not just for my family but just for my sanity.
