Day 205

So I have a few updates.

One month ago today (the day after my last post), I quit my miserable job that inspired me to start this blog to give myself hope in a bleak situation. I sent an email to my boss that simply said, "I quit," and moved on.

I had another job lined up. It would be a much more poignant story if I didn't...but I did.

I'm working somewhere else doing something that's actually worthwhile and working with people I trust and respect. So there's a sigh of relief there.

Of course, we'll still planning to move to Tucson but probably just a month or so later than originally planned since I don't mind staying and making a little more money to help support us in the move. I'm not changing the name of the blog, though. The number 252 has just stuck. I'll just have to go into negative numbers when I get past 0 days.

Another update: I have not finished my thesis. I'm almost there, though. I certainly won't graduate by December, but I will definitely graduate in May 2014. I'm sure my thesis committee is very disappointed.

I have to say I'm a little disappointed as well, but that's just me being hard on myself. I analyzed three out of the six shows I'm supposed to so far, so I only have three more to go and then a conclusion. I can't stop thinking about it, though, and I continually beat myself up over it. When I sit down to read for leisure, I think, "What are you doing? You have a thesis to write." When I watch TV after my boys go to bed, I think, "Why are you so damn lazy?" When I choose to bake or waste time on Pinterest instead of writing, I think, "Wow, you're really determined to not graduate, aren't you?"

I don't think this is healthy. Yes, my thesis is important and graduating with my master's degree is something that I must do. But living my life is also something I just have to do. My new job takes more of my time and energy than my last one and with film projects, all-weekend work schedules and finals approaching, my husband is super busy. My family needs me right now as a mom and wife, not as a student.

Is it bad to think that "mom," "wife" and "student" really don't go together? I know that a woman can be whomever she wants, and I believe that she should be encouraged to do this, but maybe I just don't want to be the woman who wants/tries to have it all. I really don't want it all.

I want my kids to remember me as mom, not as psycho deadline-driven lady who was glued to her laptop. I want my husband to feel like I'm noticing him, his work and his well-being and not just my goals and my research.

And dang it, I want to read for leisure and not feel guilty! Every time I pick up War and Peace or a Jane Austen novel I haven't read, guilt just gnaws away at me because I feel like I should be focused on my research and not an entertaining novel.

I never thought thesis work would be so emotionally trying. Since I started undergrad, I've been determined to excel and expand my mind, even if that means making sacrifices. I've met so many wonderful professors who are so good at what they do and so passionate about their fields. I've wanted to be like them and accomplish what they have accomplished and have people think that I, too, have a great mind.

But I'm starting to wonder if this is what I want anymore. Sure, I love my research and I enjoy writing so much. To do this as a career would be ideal. But what's even more ideal is to dedicate my free time to my children, who will not be 4 and 2 years old for much longer, and to my husband, who needs someone who will simply be there mind and body, no matter what. And it would also be ideal to dedicate some free time to myself and my own growth as a social, contemplative and faith-driven as well as intellectual being.

I know have to get my thesis done, but I think I have to do it at my pace not just for my family but just for my sanity.

Day 237

I spoke with my thesis chair yesterday, and he has inspired me to graduate by December.

I thought before that I would take my time and give myself a May deadline. I figured it would just need to be done before we move and I can't do it now because my laptop screen is broken, I'm too tired, I'm too stressed, my head is not in it, blah, blah, blah.

Screw that. No more excuses. Find a way. Get the thing done.

Day 239

So I remember that I promised that I would post recipes. To celebrate feeling better, I tried a healthier version of one of my favorites: pasta and meatballs made with ground turkey and sweet peppers.

I found the recipe on Pinterest and was determined to try it, although I honestly only cook about .5% of the recipes I pin. But I was resolute to do this one, mostly for my tastebuds but also for personal reasons.

I've been on a weight loss plan since March, and so far, I've lost 38 pounds. I'm not on any special diet plan (no paleo or Atkins here), but I am keeping close track of my calories and exercising more. So pasta and meatballs is usually something I reserve for a splurge day or on a day that I know I'll be really active. So there's that reason.

The other reason is my husband. He is a master at making meatballs. He's been perfecting the art since we lived in Chicago, where all we could afford to eat was pasta and hamburger. Through the years, he's added and taken away ingredients and the end product is a great meatball that he's very proud of.

Since I've been losing weight, I have not allowed him to make meatballs very much, and I know he misses making them. He's also been gone most weekends lately, either working both of his two night jobs or working on films, so even if I said it was okay, he wouldn't have a lot of time.

Pasta and meatballs is my comfort food, not just because it's stick-to-your-ribs good, but because it reminds me that when you pair two really great things together they become even better. Have them apart, and you only want the other thing with it. And pasta and meatballs pretty much sums up these past weekends without my husband.

He's away now and hasn't come home yet tonight (it's 8:45 pm, despite what my posting time says). The boys are in bed, and the pasta's already in the fridge. I'm hoping he'll have a bowl before going to bed and find some comfort after a long day. I'm also hoping he can't tell that it's light.

The link to the recipe is below. It's from food blog pinch of yum, which has tons more recipes I'm hoping to try.

Before you try it, here's my two cents on what I did differently. Instead of minced mini red peppers in the ground turkey, I put in pureed mini orange and yellow peppers. I don't have a food processor, only a knock-off magic bullet, and that thing only purees. I also did not have whole wheat Italian breadcrumbs and used regular Italian breadcrumbs. Additionally, I added about 1/2 tsp. of onion powder with the meat mixture for just a little onion flavor to go with the peppers. I still thought the meatballs tasted great. I also used rigatoni instead of spaghetti. I've always liked pasta but I've never been a fan of spaghetti. Too messy. Too much work.

Here's the recipe: pinchofyum.com/skinny-spaghetti-and-meatballs

And here's my (amateur) food photography. Notice how messy...erm, rustic...it looks. Happy eating.

Day 243

Being wrong is humbling.

I get in these moods where I think I'm not at fault. I think, "I can't be at fault. Look at everything that has happened to me. How could someone who just keeps having everything go wrong (through no fault of her own) actually be wrong?" Writing that out just reminds me how absolutely absurd that way of thinking is.

Stubbornness is really the worst. When I'm stubborn, I don't learn anything, I don't listen, I shut everything out that doesn't have to do with me and my pity party. It's time to start knowing the facts before I make up my mind.

I was wrong. Although this won't be the last time I'll ever be wrong, I hope it's the last about these particular things and that my apology will be made apparent.

Day 248

I read a very interesting line in my devotional reading today that has made me quite contemplative: "How do you want to face death? Start facing life that way now."

My answer: with quiet courage.

Day 250

I have had a moment of sheer happiness, and I am so thankful for it.

While I know that I should be doing whatever is that I actually do at work, I have been working on my master's thesis instead. I've been writing, thinking, analyzing, editing, listening to Bach. It's wonderful.

I haven't been in classes since May, and I didn't realize how much I miss it until now. While I have not found a career in which I have absolutely thrived, I have always thrived as a student. Being a student, a learner, is what I truly enjoy.

I have allowed so much busyness to take over my life that I have not made time to actively learn in these past few months. I've put away the thesis (procrastinating like usual), haven't written much and stopped making time to read at night. Perhaps this has contributed to life being so difficult?

I think it's been easy to put these things aside because I feel that I having more pressing things to accomplish, like spending hours on Facebook or Pinterest to "relax." Why do I always forget that writing, thinking, learning does relax me?

Well, back to the happiness. Back to writing. That is, when my boss isn't looming over me...

Day 251

I have a lot of frustrations I could vent on here right now. Day 251 has not been the best of days.

But it's time to let go. After all, Day 250 will be here before I know it.

My husband gave me his latest screenplay to read today. I hoped to do this during lunch, but this didn't happen so I'm looking forward to reading it when I have time tonight. I won't give away his brilliant idea because I'm sure it will get made into a movie. :)

My husband is a film student and seeing him pursue his passion is so inspiring. And he's no Ed Wood. He works on films, writes scripts and is actually good at it. Sure, breaking into film is not the easiest  business to get into, but after having jobs we hate in areas we care nothing about, we've decided that it's worth it to pursue our passions, even if it means having only what you need and not so much of what you want (material-wise).

I think a lot about my job and the job I want to have, probably to an unhealthy degree. Maybe it's time to let go of that obsession. What I really want to do is write. Writing as a career has not worked out for me. But I can't let that mean that I won't do it anymore.

My dad, who has recently gotten on disability and doesn't have much to do, has thus far hand-written two lengthy historical novels on notebook paper. He doesn't do it for money. He doesn't do it for attention. He doesn't do it to impress people. He does it for himself.

I've gotten it in my head that I need to write to make money, that I've outgrown writing for fun. That all the work I did in my undergrad fiction courses were just part of growing up and expressing myself. I think it's time to let go of that notion.

Day 252

I recently turned 30, and I realized that I needed to make some changes.

When I say changes, I don't mean simply circumstantial changes. I need to change my perspective and this teenage-like angst that I have allowed into my spirit for half my life. It's got to change.

That's why I've started 252 Days Till Tucson.

For the past three years, I have lived in a suburb of St. Louis with my husband and two children. Since we've lived here, our lives have gotten significantly harder in several ways. I won't go into the details and my overused pity party because I know that you, the reader of this text, don't need one more person whining about their existence on some little blog.

About a couple weeks ago, my husband and I decided that come June, we are moving to Tucson, AZ. His parents live there, and we are hoping to have a better life out west. My husband and I are very excited to leave St. Louis and start fresh.

But instead of celebrating this upcoming change and chance for renewal, I have spent my days sulking and worrying about our present conditions. I have insisted on complaining every chance I get and dwelling on those things that I cannot change.

I've started this blog to encourage myself to see the good and to see that as days go by, Tucson is closer than I think. And sure, things won't be perfect in Tucson, but I know that they won't be great unless I learn to embrace life's circumstances all the time, not just when they're good.

So if you'd like, you can read about my journey to a renewed mindset. On this blog, I might post some frustrations, but I'll also post about the life's blessings and revelations. And probably some recipes, too. Because I like food a lot. :)